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Rain tapped lightly against the windshield as the wipers sloshed back and forth. Gabi stared silently out the window watching nothing in particular. Antonio touched her hand softly hoping she would respond. She never looked away from the window. Gabi had the door open before the car had even come to a stop in front of their building. The rain soaked her to the bone as she climbed the stairs to the apartment. Antonio followed quickly, rushing to open the door for her.
Gabi wandered inside heading immediately down the hall to the bedroom. Antonio dropped his head with a sigh as the door closed quietly behind her. "Antonio," Maria’s soft voice called out from behind him. "Can I get you anything?" She desperately wanted to ease her brother’s pain. "No, thank you Maria," he replied without taking his eyes from the bedroom door. Maria walked up behind her brother placing her hands gently on his broad shoulders. "She just needs time, Antonio." Antonio shook his head softly as he turned to hug his sister. Carmen came in followed by Ben and Ricardo. The funeral for Michael Antonio Torres had taken its toll on them all. Carmen sat quietly on the couch clutching a white lily from the baby’s casket. Ben followed Maria into the kitchen to help bring out some food for everyone. Ricardo stood solemnly watching Antonio staring at the rain sliding down the patio doors. He felt guilty for not having called Antonio right away from the hospital. He was so concerned about being the one there for Gabi, he was oblivious of the gravity of the situation. Antonio walked into the kitchen, "Maybe I should take Gabi something to eat." He opened one cabinet after another frustrated at not finding what he wanted. "What are you looking for, Antonio?" Maria asked quietly. "I’m trying to find Gabi’s cup...she likes this one particular mug. It’s her favorite. I thought it was here," he rummaged through the cabinet. "Damn it," he said slamming the door with irritation. "Antonio," Maria touched his arm. "It’s okay. We’ll find it." Antonio shook his head sadly as tears filled his eyes yet again. The look in his eyes broke Maria’s heart. "Go sit down, Antonio. You’re exhausted." "No, I have to go check on Gabi...I have to see if she needs anything," he started out of the kitchen. "Mi hijo, please sit down. You look so tired," Carmen pleaded with her son. "No, mama. I have to go check..." his voice trailed off as he headed down the hallway. Antonio knocked lightly on the door. "Gabi," he said quietly as he opened the door. Gabi was perched on the edge of the bed in the dark, her black dress drenched from the rain. "Gabi, let’s get you out of those wet clothes." Antonio walked over to his wife but she didn’t move. "Here, let me help you," he offered her his hand. She stood from the bed as Antonio started to help her take off her dress. She pulled away quickly and walked into the bathroom. She turned around without raising her eyes and closed the door. Antonio’s heart ached as he stood alone in the dark room. He wanted so much to help her through this, but she had completely withdrawn herself from him. She hadn’t spoken since waking up in the hospital. Three days had passed and Antonio was becoming more worried. Gabi emerged from the bathroom in sweatpants and a t-shirt. She climbed across the bed curling her knees up to her chest as she put her head on her pillow. Antonio covered her gently with the blanket. "Can I get you anything?" he asked her quietly. Gabi shook her head no. Antonio rubbed her arm lightly with his hand. "If you need me, I’ll be right outside." He leaned over and kissed her cheek as she closed her eyes. Reluctantly, he turned and left the room. "How is she?" Maria asked when Antonio returned to the kitchen. He shook his head miserably. Maria offered him a plate of food, "Why don’t you eat something, Antonio? You haven’t eaten anything since yesterday." "I’m not hungry," he replied woefully as he walked out to the living room. Antonio sat down next to his mother on the couch as Carmen took his hand. Antonio stared at the lily in her lap as he envisioned his son’s tiny casket covered in the beautiful white flowers. Carmen touched his cheek with her hand. "Oh, mi hijo, I know it hurts. There is no pain greater than the loss of a child." Antonio closed his eyes tightly. "Time will heal, mi hijo. Time." Carmen kissed her son on the cheek. They all sat quietly for awhile, eating and trying to forget the pain the day had brought. Antonio kept looking down the hallway for the door to open. Maria took notice and decided to prompt everyone to go. "Why don’t we all give Antonio some peace and quiet, huh?" She nodded at Ben and Ricardo. "I think he and Gabi could use some rest." Carmen and Maria hugged Antonio tightly. "You call me if you need me, okay?" Maria made Antonio promise he would. Ben squeezed Antonio’s shoulder, "If you need anything, Antonio, we’ll be right here." Antonio nodded appreciatively. Ricardo hugged Antonio. "I’m here for you, T. For both of you." Antonio managed a small smile for his brother before seeing them all out the door. Antonio stood in the suffocating silence of the empty apartment. He turned off the lights and headed to the bedroom. As he opened the door, he saw Gabi had not moved from the position he left her in. He quietly slid off his dress pants and shirt exchanging them for cotton pajama bottoms. Antonio climbed into bed softly, not wanting to wake Gabi. She hadn’t slept the past three nights and he was glad she was finally resting. Antonio lay staring at the shadows the moon cast on the ceiling, his arms folded behind his head. He didn’t anticipate sleep tonight, even as worn out as he was. He couldn’t release the images of the funeral from his mind. He turned his head to watch Gabi sleeping. Before he knew it, his own eyes were closing as he drifted off. Gabi was dreaming that her baby was on a raft in the ocean. She was trying to swim to him but the waves pushed him further and further away. Gabi could hear him crying as she desperately tried to reach him. "No, no, no," she was screaming in her dream and suddenly, out loud. Antonio sat bolt upright as Gabi was writhing away next to him screaming. "Shhh, Gabi...Gabi," he pleaded as he took her by the shoulders wanting to wake her from her nightmare. Gabi sat up with a jolt, panting and sobbing, trying to determine where her baby had gone. "Shh, Gabi. It’s okay," Antonio tried to calm her even as his own heart pumped wildly in his chest. Gabi threw herself into his arms, burying her face into his chest as she sobbed violently. "I could hear him, Antonio. He was crying, I couldn’t reach him, I tried but I couldn’t…" her sobs took over as Antonio swayed with her gently. "I know, baby. I know, it’s okay," Antonio whispered. "He’s gone, Antonio, our baby is gone," Gabi cried as she held on to Antonio. "Yes, Gabi. He’s gone. Shhh." Antonio was dying inside, but he was determined to stay strong for Gabi. She needed him now more than ever. Antonio lay back against the pillows bringing Gabi to rest on his chest. She was quieting down, but he wouldn’t let her out of his arms. He caressed her hair and gently rubbed her back until she finally cried herself back to sleep. THE DEEP A week had passed since the funeral, but to Antonio it felt like yesterday. Gabi still wasn't talking and hadn’t left the house at all. Antonio had returned to work, grateful for the distraction. He sat in Ben’s office working on an order when Maria poked her head in. "Hi, Antonio. May I come in?" "Hi, Maria, please." Antonio was glad to see her. He put down his pen and stretched his arms over his head. "How are you doing, Antonio?" Maria asked genuinely. "How’s Gabi?" Maria hadn’t been able to speak to her since Gabi wasn’t taking any calls. "I’m okay. Gabi’s...well, I’m very worried about her, Maria." Antonio’s brow furrowed with concern. "She’s not eating, she’s not sleeping…she won’t talk to me. I try to talk to her about anything – the weather, my day – she just won’t let me in. She’s shut herself off from me completely." "Antonio, I know it’s hard...I can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose a child." Maria didn’t know what to say to help her brother. "I let her down, Maria," he said full of sorrow. "Let her down," Maria’s voice jumped. "How could you have let her down, Antonio? There was nothing you could have done…" "I know, Maria. I mean I was weak...Gabi needed me to be strong for her and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t control my emotions, Maria." Antonio was distraught. "Antonio," Maria said with gentle authority. "You lost him, too. You need to grieve, too." Antonio rubbed the back of his neck. "Gabi has always relied on me to be strong for her and I wasn’t even with her when she lost him, Maria. I wasn’t there, she was all alone." "Please, Antonio, stop torturing yourself. It isn’t your fault." Maria was desperate to help her brother forgive himself. "Gabi loves you, Antonio. She knows that you love her, she doesn’t think you let her down. And she doesn’t blame you." Antonio blinked away the tears that stung his eyes. Maria came around to Antonio’s side of the desk. She placed her hand on his arm, "Be there for her now, Antonio. Don’t let her go though it alone." She leaned over and kissed her brother’s cheek. Antonio nodded as Maria walked out of the office. He quickly packed up his things and headed home. THE APARTMENT Antonio pushed the door open as he peered inside. The apartment was completely dark, as usual. Antonio closed the door quietly and made his way down the hall. The bedroom door that was usually shut stood open. He walked into the bedroom, "Gabi?" he called out when he didn’t find her on the bed. Antonio checked the bathroom and the closet. He headed out of the bedroom back down the hall. The apartment was empty. He checked the balcony, nothing. He rushed into the kitchen searching for any note she might have left him. He was beginning to panic when he remembered the one place he hadn’t checked. Antonio walked slowly back down the hall. He stopped outside the empty bedroom. Taking a deep breath, he stepped inside to find Gabi sitting with her knees pulled under her in the middle of the floor clutching the soft brown bear tightly to her chest. It was the first and only thing they had bought for the baby. They were shopping one day when it caught Gabi’s eye from the store window. She had begged and pleaded like a spoiled child and Antonio had given in when she threatened to throw herself down and have a full-fledged tantrum if he didn’t buy it for the baby right that minute. "Oh, baby," his voice cracked as he knelt down beside her in the middle of the dark, empty room. Gabi turned to him with tears streaming down her cheeks. She was astonished that they still continued to flow so freely after crying almost non-stop for the last week. Antonio put his arms around her and breathed softly into her hair. "Come on, Gabi, let’s go get you something to eat." "No," she said defiantly. "Please, Gabi, you need to eat something. You haven’t eaten in over a week." Antonio was concerned her health would begin to suffer soon. "No," she repeated. "Gabi, please, why won’t you eat? You need to keep up your strength." Antonio was pleading with her now. "For what? What do I need to be strong for? For my baby? Well, I wasn’t strong enough for him, was I?" her voice grew louder. "He depended on me and I failed him. I wasn’t enough of a woman to carry him inside me until he was able to survive on his own." Antonio couldn’t believe what she was saying, "No, Gabi..." "No? NO! Well, where is he? He’s not here, is he? No, he’s dead, Antonio. He’s dead and it’s my fault," Gabi was becoming more agitated. "Gabi, it’s not your fault. Sometimes these things just happen and...." Antonio was searching for the right words to calm her down. "These things happen... right, I forgot. That’s what you priests tell people when bad things happen…that God has some higher plan and we just have to accept it!" Antonio’s heart ached from her words. "Well maybe, Antonio, if you were still a priest, God wouldn’t be punishing me by taking away my baby. If I hadn’t taken you away from Him, God wouldn’t hate me and take away my little boy." Gabi was crying now. "Gabi, God doesn’t hate you. God doesn’t hate me, and God didn’t hate our little boy. He isn’t vengeful, Gabi." Antonio’s priestly words tore at Gabi’s heart. "God brings many miracles into our lives, Gabi and sometimes we forget that what God giveth, sometimes he taketh away. It’s not your fault, Gabi." Gabi glared viciously into Antonio’s eyes. "Well then...maybe it’s yours," her voice full of hatred. Antonio felt like he had been punched in the gut. His eyes filled with tears as Gabi stood in front of him, dropped the teddy bear to the floor and walked silently out of the room.
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